Favorite Jokes #1, He Who Is Without Sin
Here's one of my favorite jokes. What do you think?
Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.
"This woman was found committing adultery, and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.
"Wait, yelled Jesus. Let him who is without sin cast the first stone."
Suddenly, a stone was thrown out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.
"Aw, c'mon, Dad...," Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"
Favorite Jokes #2, Dividing Pecans
On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetary fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetary. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord dividing souls at the cemetary." He jumped back on his bicycle and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here, quick," said the boy. "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetary dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it is hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetary. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town five minutes before the boy.
Favorite Jokes #3, Joseph & Mary
Here is one of my favorite clean jokes for those with children. A Sunday school teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
A small child replied, "They couldn't find a baby-sitter."
Favorite Jokes #4, Lot's Wife
The Sunday School teacher had just finished her lesson. She had taught the portion of the Bible that told of how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt. She then asked if anyone had any questions or comments.
Little Jeremy raised his hand, "My mommy looked back once while driving and turned into a telephone pole!"
Favorite Jokes #5, The Door Stopper
Two church members were going door to door. They knocked on the door of a woman that was clearly not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.
To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact it bounced back open. Seeing the two church members at the door fustrated her. She stormed back to the door and flung it shut.
But the door still didn't close. Furious, she grabbed the door with both hands and shoved it as hard as she could. But again, the door wouldn't shut.
Convinced one of these rude church members was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would really teach them a lesson.
Just then, one of the church members said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."
Favorite Jokes #6, A Poisionous Wife
A man goes to see his Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asks, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisioning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man pleads, "I'm telling you I'm certain she's poisioning me. What should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
The next day the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife on the phone yesterday for over 3 hours. You want my advice?"
The man anxiously answers, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.
Favorite Jokes #7,Rabbi,Hindu,Lawyer
Here is one Pastor Mark's favorite jokes. A Rabbi, a Hindu and a Lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car broke down. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two spare beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed
The rabbi said offered to sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi had left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The rabbi entered exclaiming, "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there and my religion will not permit me to sleep in the same room as a pig!"
The Hindu said that HE would sleep in the barn, that he had no problem with the pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying, "There's a cow in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!" The Lawyer anxious to get some sleep, said he would go to the barn, as he had no problem with the animals.In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the cow and pig entered.........................................
Favorite Jokes #8,Cowboy Joe
Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church.
"When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.
"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a worldly fellow.
"I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued.
"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.
"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.
"That would be the usher," Charlie explained.
"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.
"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.
"Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.
"Pew," Charlie retorted.
"Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what the pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."
Favorite Jokes #9, Heavenly Golf
Moses, Jesus, and another guy were out playing golf one day.
Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long shot. It landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled safely to the other side.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long shot toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus carefully walked out on the pond and chipped it onto the green.
The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the rain gutter, down the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the same pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water, onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very big bullfrog jumped up onto the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed up the bullfrog. As the Eagle flew over the green, the frog croaked and up came the ball, which bounced right into the hole, and what a beautiful HOLE-IN-ONE it was.
Just then Moses turned to Jesus and said, “I really don’t like playing golf with your dad.”
Dentist's Hymn.................................Crown Him with many crowns.
Weatherman's Hymn.........................There Shall be Showers of Blessings
Contractor's hymn.............................The Church's One Foundation
submitted by: Mark Anderson
Please pastor the chocolate
A young pastor was making his first visit to the home of an elderly woman who was ill. As they chatted, he nibbled on the peanuts that were in a dish by her bedside table. When he got up to leave, he said, "Oh, I'm so sorry, I've eaten all your peanuts." "That's OK," she replied. "I can't eat them anyway, and I'd already sucked all the chocolate off."
Bill and Annie were a happy couple! They have been married now for 6 years; very happy, yet very busy. The two of them were focused so much on their careers that it took almost all their time. As a result of this they had an arrangment. The first one up in the morning would make the coffee. For nearly all the time of their marriage Bill was the first to get up in the morning and make the coffee. Bill had asked Annie on more than one occasion to kindly make the coffee for him. Annie would continually forget this little task. When asked, she would quickly apologize to her husband and give him a big hug. Annie would promise that she wouldn't forget again, but alas Annie did forget time and again. Bill started to become fustrated by Annie's inability to make the coffee, just once. Bill became infuriated, confronting Annie about this! Trying to find some kind of reasonable explanation to why Annie could not remember to make the coffee, even just once! Annie was backpedaling, trying to find a good reason for not making the coffee;remembering that the scriptures spoke on this very thing. She proceeded to explain this excuse to her husband, Bill. Annie, he responded, " As if, are you trying to tell me that the scriptures tell you that you cannot make the coffee?" That's right! "Bill, you know the scriptures as well as I do. There is even a whole book on this exact topic." Annie then proceeded to thumb through the Bible and came to the place she was looking for. "Here it is",Annie stated. HE..BREWS !
Bill,exasperated! Laughed along with Annie and gave her a big hug and kiss and never asked her to make coffee again.